Grace-Filled & Firm Boundaried
by Rev. Cynthia Vermillion-Foster
“Grace-Filled and Firm Boundaried.” These words were spoken by my coach, Betty Pries, in relationship to something I was trying to achieve. I loved the way she described this desire; a beautifully articulated balance between my highest spiritual values and practical engagement in a world that is not always kind or caring. Indeed, those words float frequently in my consciousness and provide a touchstone for me in navigating this messy world.
I must also say that leaning in to being “Grace-Filled and Firm Boundaried” has been incredibly challenging. When things are difficult, I can find myself resistant to giving grace and instead falling into judgment and criticism. At other times, I let things go and fail to address a situation that I see as harmful.
Thich Nhat Hanh says: “We need the vision of interbeing – we belong to each other; we cannot cut reality into pieces. The well-being of ‘this’ is the well-being of ‘that,’ so we have to do things together. Every side is ‘our side’; there is no evil side.”
Spiritually we know that we are interconnected – part of indivisible whole. We want to live inside this awareness. Ironically, failing to set boundaries takes us outside of that web of connection. When we fail to set boundaries, we fail to acknowledge and honor our own self-worth. This can easily lead to resentment. Relationships become frayed, and we find ourselves in a place of separation.
In Healing Resistance, Kazu Haga says: “When we talk about ‘holding someone accountable,’ the key word should not be accountable but holding. Does that person feel held, or do they feel attacked or judged? Are they feeling opened up or are they getting defensive… if the goal is accountability and the healing of relationships, we need to create a space for people to be held.”
Consider the tenderness of holding someone, cradling them, while also clearly articulating your boundaries; of holding deep love for yourself and the other person. I can’t say that I have mastered this delicate dance. I can say that holding someone in this way brings us back into wholeness while allowing each of us to be the unique and wonderful being we were created to be. So let the dance begin…
Resources:
Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life Paperback – March 1, 1992
by Thich Nhat Hanh (Author), Arnold Kotler (Editor), H. H. the Dalai Lama (Foreword)
Healing Resistance: A Radically Different Response to Harm Paperback – January 14, 2020
by Kazu Haga (Author), Bernard LaFayette Jr. (Foreword), David C. Jehnsen (Foreword)
For more writing from Cynthia Vermillion-Foster: https://www.openheartconsulting.net/